I'm Your WHO?
by elvenwanderer
Summary: long, drabbly, pointless... read at your own peril. Very long, have fun. Revised, and review replies added.
1. I'm Your WHO?

This is just a drabble thingie majigie that I worked on mostly to overcome the dreaded writer's block. IMHO, it starts out well, and then turns into a load of stupid, superfluous junk. I just wanted to post it, to see if anybody would actually like it. I didn't break it down into chapters, nor did I do anything to edit its content/order.. Perhaps you'll like it, most likely you won't. Hey, I found it funny (but that doesn't mean much). All I ask is (a) that you don't copy what - if anything - you do like and (b) do not think that all of my writing is like this. I swear it isn't.  
  
Rated for some strange sexual insinuations (no slash, however), and mild (mild) swearing.  
  
Translations are mostly done on a program on my computer called "Sherlock" (mac users know what I'm talking about), so all you French and elvish speaking people, please don't take offense to my bad French or Elvish. Though I am proud that I did translate some of the French on my own!!  
  
Characters are not based on real people (though I tend to think of Audrey as a mix between myself and my niece and Miriel as my real-life sister-in law, Lisa.)  
  
I know that some characters do not have correct names, or do not exist at all. Please understand that I never intended for anyone to read this, so I did not care about the multiple inaccuracies.  
  
Oh well. Here goes:  
  
**  
  
One bitter, rainy evening of the coldest October on record, a woman sat alone in her large Victorian style mansion trudging through The Silmarillion for the third time that year. It was a pity she was alone, too, her eyes were a shocking blue with jet-black hair, quite a catch for a deserving man. Her eldest daughter - named Caroline- was out with her fiancé, God knows where, while Audrey - the woman's other daughter- was in her room, most likely on the Internet and visiting her favorite site, War of the Ring.  
  
There was a cheery fire blazing in the hearth, merry flames ascending through the chimney to the clouds in stark contrast with the pouring rain without. Shadows danced eerily over the aged couch like glimmering faeries, and though the fire was the only source of light in the room, the woman seemed to glow with her own radiance, extinguishing the need for an additional light source.  
  
A silhouette of a figure shot by her living room window, but the woman was not alarmed. There were many things that tried to scare her tonight, including Audrey sneaking up on her from behind the couch wearing a Gimli the Dwarf mask. Through her peripheral vision, another individual streaked by her window, a flicker of a cape caught on the shutter of the window. The woman smiled as a ghostly pale hand reached back and unlatched itself from the protruding nail. Her smile quickly faded to worry as she thought of what their coming meant.  
  
"Mother! We're home!" Caroline pulled her fiancé through the doorway. Both were sopping wet but had jovial smiles plastered on their faces.  
  
The woman put down her book - after checking to see what page she was on - and stood up to greet them. "My goodness. what did you do? Go through a rainstorm or something?" This may have seemed curt, but she had other things on her mind, and had not expected Caroline and Brian to return so soon, if at all tonight.  
  
Caroline smiled and followed her mother into the kitchen. "Brian's car broke down outside of the theatre. here was closer than either of our places. Sorry to impose."  
  
"No, no, not a problem. Here, I'll hang your coats by the fire. now, where's your sister?" The woman, her name was Miriel, put her hand out as the rosy-cheeked couple stripped off their dripping coats. "AUDREY! Get down here!"  
  
"Hold on Mom, another five minutes, then I'll take the garbage out!"  
  
"Audrey.!" The mother warned.  
  
"Coming!"  
  
"Bring a spare set of clothes for your sister and a robe for Brian with some towels.."  
  
"Aw, Mom."  
  
"NOW." Miriel shook her head and looked to her elder daughter. "Honestly, you were always such a sweet child. But, although she is intelligent, I don't think she got past the idea of rainfall." She smiled. "Tea, anyone?"  
  
Brian nodded quickly, as did Caroline at the prospect of a warm beverage. Miriel set the pot on the stove, and soon the teapot was whistling as Audrey appeared in the room laden with an armful of clothes. She dropped them on her soon to be brother-in-law's lap.  
  
"Hannad le, dear." Miriel called as Audrey stalked from the kitchen.  
  
DING DONG.  
  
"Oh, my. who could that be?" Miriel quipped nervously. She knew full well who it was. Her hands flew to her mouth and she ran through the kitchen, living room and hallway to get the door by the garage.  
  
"I got it!" Audrey yelled to her mother, who then tensely returned to the kitchen to pour tea.  
  
Brian and Caroline exited to the main guestroom; mugs in hand, to change out of their wet garments into warm, dry and clean ones.  
  
"MOM!!" Audrey shrieked and came running into the kitchen bouncing like a frantic kangaroo. "Hugo Weaving's at the door! OH MY GOD!"  
  
Miriel raised a skeptical eyebrow at her daughter. "But why would Hugo Weaving want to come here? I think you're spending too much time on the Internet. I think I might have to do something about tha-"  
  
"But I swear! Hugo Weaving's at the door (he said his name was Elrond. but that's impossible), so is Cate Blanchett and Marton Csokas. Oh My Gawd!" Audrey jumped excitedly around the kitchen table. She started hyperventilating and Miriel handed her a paper bag, guessing her next words. "And CRAIG PARKER!!!!" The pre-teen dropped into a chair and sighed over her favorite Marchwarden of Lórien.  
  
"You stay here, Audrey, I'll tell them they took the wrong flight out of New Zealand to end up in Buffalo New York." Miriel soothed and shot out of the kitchen towards the front door. "Dammit. I had hoped they wouldn't come tonight of all nights.." Meaning, of course, her daughter and future son-in-law.  
  
"Haldir, remember to go easy on her. she doesn't know." A woman's voice floated from the entry hall.  
  
"But she is my wife." A waxy voice whined.  
  
"She doesn't remember that." Another man's voice answered, this one strong and powerful, Miriel smiled dreamily; it had been thirteen years since she heard his voice.  
  
"My Lords and Lady." Miriel bowed as she rounded the corner in front of the door. "It is an honor to see you so soon."  
  
"Ah, Miriel, good evening. I trust we are not imposing?" Galadriel smiled and put her hand to her heart in greeting.  
  
"No, no; not at all. Welcome. make yourselves at home."  
  
"Thank you much. Malicious nighttime outside, despite the fact that the inclement weather conditions is deemed imperative for the expedition." Elrond answered with a smile and pulled off his cloak, revealing a flowing red robe underneath. It was completely dry, of course. The other three did the same to display perfectly fitted and beautiful, elegant clothes beneath the dripping cloaks.  
  
"Excuse me for a moment. I have to clear Audrey out of the kitchen before she goes ape." Miriel disappeared in the direction of the kitchen.  
  
"Who's Craig Parker?" Miriel heard Haldir ask as she walked away. 'Oh boy, he's in for a surprise when Audrey next sets eyes on him.' She smirked lightly.  
  
"Audrey, dear. go up to your room."  
  
"But Mom."  
  
"No autographs. Allez. Maintenant."  
  
Audrey reluctantly sulked away and up the back stairs, knowing that when her mother spoke in French, she was serious. Putting more water in the teakettle, Miriel pulled out four more mugs and a tray.  
  
"Go ahead and sit in the living room." She called to her elven guests as the water boiled over again. She poured the teakettle into a large pot and carried the tray to the living room where we met her.  
  
Elrond had her book, The Silmarillion, in his hands, and was curiously skimming through it when Miriel entered.  
  
"I like to refresh my memory sometimes." Miriel excused as she set the tray down on the coffee table.  
  
"This is interesting." He handed the book to Celeborn, his father in law, who nodded in agreement at seeing its contents.  
  
"It's my only option. Rivendell's library is not as close as it used to be.." Miriel mused quietly while pouring four mugs of steaming tea. Haldir gratefully declined, but Miriel shoved a mug in his hands anyway. "Drink it." He nodded sullenly, not being able to refuse Galadriel's daughter's command.  
  
"Maman.?" Haldir looked up from the pink rose covered saucer to the woman who spoke.  
  
"Oui, Caroline?"  
  
"Qui sont-ils? Et, pourquoi sont ils içi?" {Who are they, and why are they here?} Caroline inquired as she stepped gracefully down the stairs. Her eyes were fixed on Haldir, as were his on her. She was wearing a blue bathrobe and fuzzy pink bunny slippers that was her sister's.  
  
Miriel looked up at her daughter, then at Haldir. "Be careful, Marchwarden." She cautioned him mentally, echoing Galadriel's former orders. All the while, Elrond gave Miriel a strange look; there was not a language in Middle-Earth that he did not speak. French was a new experience for him. "French. we lived for four years in France."  
  
"Maman?" Caroline questioned again, her eyes finally tearing away and looking at her mother.  
  
"Il s'appelle Haldir, uhh, notr'amie du longtemps. et içi est ma mere, elle s'appelle Galadriel. il est Elrond, ton père, et, içi est Celeborn, le mari du Galadriel et mon père." Miriel pointed to each one in turn. {His name is Haldir, uhh, our longtime friend. and here is my mother, her name is Galadriel. he is Elrond, your father, and here is Celeborn, Galadriel's husband and my father.}  
  
"Bonjour, mes nouveaux amis, et mon Père." {Hello, my new friends and my father.} Caroline smiled nervously, her face turning scarlet from embarrassment. She had never met her father or grandparents, and now was not a good time. "Je vais rétourner en une seconde, oui?" {I'll be back in a second, ok?}  
  
Not to mention that she did not believe that any of those Lord of the Ring's people actually existed.  
  
"Does she only speak thusly?" Haldir asked Miriel in Sindarin, frustration obvious in his voice.  
  
"No, she doesn't." Caroline answered for herself in Sindarin. "And she doesn't appreciate being talked about as if she weren't in the room."  
  
"Uhh, Miri, Mom, who are they?" Brian asked as he loped loudly down the creaking wooden stairs, sounding as if a rhino had walked into a china shop. Caroline reached for his hand as he stood next to his fiancée. Haldir's eyes widened, in shock. "What's with him?" Brian whispered to Caroline pointing to Haldir with his free hand.  
  
Galadriel, hearing Brian's words, cleared her throat and beckoned for Haldir to take care of the matter. Happy to do so, Haldir strode across the room, and steered the soon-to-be married couple out of the room with a firm hand on each of their shoulders. Miriel worriedly watched them leave, and was pulled down on the couch next to Elrond, who wrapped an arm around her shoulders.  
  
"My Love. I missed you." Miriel smiled and kissed Elrond's cheek; it had been nearly thirteen years since they had seen one another. Miriel had left Middle-Earth with an infant Audrey (also called Hithui, or Misty because she inherited her father's stormy gray eyes) and a thirty-year-old elfling named Caroline, whose name was Celebriel in Sindarin.  
  
"She is beautiful, Miriel, you have done well raising her, again. Audrey also," Galadriel commented after Elrond and Miriel had had their little moment.  
  
"I hope so, Nana, I take it Haldir could wait no longer?"  
  
"No, I suppose not." Celeborn answered. "Where is Audrey?"  
  
"In her room. she's a major fan with a serious crush on Haldir."  
  
"Your speech is crude, daughter." Celeborn chided gently.  
  
"I am sorry, it was hard not to conform. sometimes sounding too proper is as improper as being illiterate." Miriel retorted just as gently.  
  
"You said fan?" Galadriel asked serenely, her hands wrapped around her mug of tea as her eyes scanned the room. "A fan for what?"  
  
"There is a movie. a moving picture, called 'Lord of the Rings' where you all are in it, and Audrey is obsessed with it, especially Haldir, regrettably."  
  
"That is a small complication that can be amended."  
  
"But there is another complication. as you saw."  
  
**  
  
As they walked past, Haldir pushed Brian roughly into a broom closet, while Caroline protested and whacked Haldir's arms as he picked her up and carried her.  
  
"Let me go.."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"I say yes."  
  
"I say no."  
  
"Where are we going then?"  
  
"Somewhere private. We need to talk, dear." He chastised himself for saying that and set her on her feet in the greenhouse that served for a porch.  
  
"I'll have you know, mister, that my Brian will kick your ass if you do anything to me!"  
  
"Really?" He sounded very aloof as if he highly doubted if a mortal could really "kick his ass." It would be interesting to see how long this Brian could last against him, though.  
  
"Who are you? Why are the four of you here?"  
  
"You do not want to meet your relatives?" Haldir answered as he clasped his hands behind his back casually pretending to look at the houseplants hanging from the ceiling.  
  
"Well, if I believed her that my father was an elf. possibly. But I don't, and I don't."  
  
"Half elf, actually. Your mother is the full blood. So you should believe her."  
  
"But she doesn't have pointy ears, neither do I or Audrey."  
  
"Really." He walked up to her and Caroline backed into a wall as he came closer. He took her hand in his strong fingers and touched her index finger to her ear. Sure enough, it was pointed. Her mouth fell open in shock.  
  
"Do you believe me now?"  
  
She snapped her jaw shut. "No. I believe my mother, but I still do not know who you are besides your name."  
  
He looked pained and released her hand from his grasp.  
  
"I am. I am. you don't want to know." He turned away from her and took a few steps back.  
  
Caroline's head cocked to the side, and her brain jogged back to the movies. Haldir was. the Marchwarden of Lórien, and Guardian of the Golden Wood, a cold, distant seeming elf who bullied Frodo. He was also Audrey's favorite character; she cried every time he died in the second one. What was it called again? Oh yeah, The Two Towers.  
  
"You're not dead?" She stated the first question that came to her mind.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I mean. you're really here. and not dead?" Caroline tried to clarify, but she blanched. Instead she tried to head towards the door.  
  
"People usually ask me if I'm going to retire soon, though not many have asked if I am dead. The answer is usually quite obvious. You were always better at other things than talking, dear." He laughed suddenly.  
  
"Other things? Such as?"  
  
Before she could do anything, Haldir had walked up to her and kissed her. A deep, sweeping kiss, that - before she realized what was happening- she was returning wholeheartedly.  
  
Caroline stopped and broke away, disbelief clouding her face. "Please tell me I did not just kiss you."  
  
"I would never lie to you."  
  
"Then tell me I didn't kiss you."  
  
"You did." He grinned. "That was but a shadow, and a taste of what we used to do." He laughed at his own joke.  
  
"A shadow?" She raised an eyebrow at him, a signature trait of her father's. "Wait a minute. I shouldn't have done that."  
  
"And why not? You've never said that before."  
  
She shoved her hand at his face. "You see that diamond? My fiancé gave me that. Our wedding is next month."  
  
"WHAT?!" Haldir shrieked. "You're already married!"  
  
"No, I'm not. I said the wedding was next month."  
  
"Y-Yes you are."  
  
"No, I'm not."  
  
"I should know. Do I need to kiss you again to remind you?"  
  
"No. damn."  
  
"What?" Haldir spun around and saw a red-faced Brian standing in the doorway brandishing a mop.  
  
"Did you kiss her?"  
  
"And why shouldn't I?"  
  
"She's going to be my wife!"  
  
"She is my wife."  
  
"WHAT?!" Brian screamed and swung the mop at Haldir's head.  
  
The elf ducked but caught the mop. "She's my wife!"  
  
"I've known her since kindergarten."  
  
"I've known her since the day she was born nearly sixty-five years ago!"  
  
"You nutball, she hasn't been alive for sixty years!"  
  
"Then I haven't lived for nearly three and a half thousand years, and am only a bloody blibbering elfling again!"  
  
"Aren't you a bit OLD for her then?"  
  
"Love doesn't care about age, mortal." Haldir growled.  
  
"Uhh, honey."  
  
Both Haldir and Brian stared at Caroline. "WHAT?!"  
  
Caroline, to their great dismay, grinned, and burst out laughing.  
  
"WHAT? Tell me."  
  
"No, me!"  
  
"No, me!"  
  
"All right, you two. SHUT UP." The woman screamed over two roaring men; both stopped arguing instantly. "I don't want to hear this inane babble right now; it's giving me a headache. Haldir, go over to that corner, and sit down facing the wall. Brian, do the same, but in a different corner. I'm going to come back in five minutes, and I don't want to hear a peep out of either of you until then. All right.?" She waited for a reply. "I said answer me."  
  
"You said 'not a peep.'" Haldir mumbled as he sulked over to his designated corner.  
  
"Pansy." Brian muttered about Haldir as he also approached his corner. Haldir spun around, his fists clenched.  
  
"That's enough. And for goodness sake, give me that mop." Caroline grabbed it from Brian's hands and smacked him lightly across the head. She stepped through the door and ran into someone.  
  
"Audrey? Didn't Mom tell you to be in your room?"  
  
"I wanted to see Craig Parker." Audrey replied, earning a snort from Brian. The girl shuffled a few inches to the right and stared between Caroline and Brian at Haldir. She sighed. "He's cuter in real life."  
  
"Yeah, you're right." Caroline agreed absentmindedly. "Umm. you said you wanted to show me something on the computer?"  
  
"Uh-huh. But not now, I want to stay right here."  
  
"No."  
  
"You're not my mother."  
  
"No, but I'm old enough to be."  
  
"That's gross." Audrey's nose crinkled. Caroline took advantage of her little sister's disgust and pulled her from the doorway. "Hey, Craig's the other way," Audrey whined as her older sister picked her up and slammed the door behind them with her foot.  
  
"That's Haldir, Audrey."  
  
"Not possible: he's not real."  
  
"He's real, trust me. Besides, I thought that you said Craig had curly brown hair?"  
  
"He can dye it."  
  
"And grow it out?"  
  
"He can do anything." The twelve year old defended her crush.  
  
An erotic image seared through Caroline's mind, a memory of the two of them (Haldir and Caroline) together. Her face screwed up in disgust. "EW. You're right, Aud. He can do anything."  
  
"What did you see?"  
  
"You don't want to know, sis. Believe me, you really don't want to know."  
  
"Can we see Hugo, Cate and Marton now?"  
  
Caroline sighed. Movie Elrond was Audrey's second favorite elf. after Haldir and Legolas. Thank Eru Legolas wasn't here.  
  
DING DONG.  
  
"Oh crap. Don't tell me."  
  
Audrey jumped out of her sister's arms and landed silently on the floor. She flung open the door, and screamed. She then proceeded to faint, being caught by the elf standing in the doorway.  
  
Haldir, sword drawn, and Brian, again clutching the dust mop, came running from the porch as hearing someone scream was quite perturbing, especially since it wasn't them. Upon his arrival, Haldir's nose twitched, and his lip curled slightly. Whether it was in hatred for the dwarf, or for dislike of the Mirkwood Prince remains to be seen.  
  
Caroline was the first regain her senses. "Ok, ummm, Highness, welcome to Buffalo, New York, hope you like your stay. Uhh, Gimli, you too." She looked over at her spouses and jumped back a foot from the formidable and comical look on their faces. She stepped forward and touched Haldir's arm. "Hand it over. you could put someone's eye out." Brian snorted in laughter as Haldir grudgingly handed the hilt of his sword to the woman.  
  
"And that's enough from you for trying to whack people's heads off with a mop. Give me that!" She again grabbed the mop from Brian's hands, and poked his stomach with the handle. "Now, go back to the porch! You heard me, off with you! I still have three minutes." Gotten the better of, Haldir and Brian skulked off to the porch and their respective corners.  
  
"Mother! More guests here to see you!" Caroline called exasperatedly. Audrey woke up and screamed again at being in Legolas' arms.  
  
Miriel came running, but put on a happy face at seeing her new guests. "Welcome, gentlemen. I trust the journey was a good one?"  
  
"As great as you can expect in a thunderstorm," the dwarf grumbled. He bowed all the same to the hostess, Miriel.  
  
"The destination makes the journey seem insignificant in comparison." Legolas handed Audrey to her sister and bowed to Miriel, kissing her hand. "As does the hostess."  
  
"Always the sweet lad," Miriel blushed. "Elrond, Atar and Ada are in the living room, Caroline, would you show them in while I get these boys something to drink, please? And, before you ask, Gimli son of Gloín, we are all out of ale."  
  
The dwarf growled again.  
  
"This way." Caroline led them to the living room where her new relatives were sitting and quietly talking. Gimli rushed past Caroline and bowed to Galadriel.  
  
"Oh, my Lady! It is such an honor to see you here. sigh."  
  
"Gimli, get away from my wife."  
  
"Celeborn, dear, that was quite accusative. I would never sleep with dwarves, they really aren't my type."  
  
Caroline, wide eyed, stared at Legolas. He shrugged and rolled his eyes.  
  
"Excuse me. uhh, everyone. I have a little matter to sort out with my uh. 'Husbands'.yeah. you get the idea." Caroline, dumping a limp Audrey into their father's arms, shot from the room, past her mother in the kitchen and into the greenhouse.  
  
"All right."  
  
Brian spun around and glared at her, so did Haldir.  
  
"Did I say you could turn around?"  
  
"I don't care. He's a psycho Lord of the Ring's freak."  
  
"I do not worship Sauron, if that is what you mean, mortal."  
  
"You are an impostor! An impersonator!"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"You heard me, fake!" Brian rushed over and pulled on a chunk of Haldir's blonde hair, making the mistake of thinking it a wig.  
  
"OW!" Haldir slapped Brian across the face, earning a punch in the stomach.  
  
Soon, the two "civilized" men were rolling on the floor in a tussle. Caroline put her face in her hands.  
  
"STOP."  
  
Brian froze, his balled fist inches away from Haldir's cheek.  
  
"Stand up. Now."  
  
The two men flew up and dignifiedly dusted themselves off.  
  
"Let me get this straight. You," she pointed to Haldir, lightly poking his tunic. "Are my husband?"  
  
He nodded, and Brian growled.  
  
"Stop. And you," She poked Brian in the chest. "Are my fiancé, I know that."  
  
Brian nodded, Haldir growled.  
  
"Then there's only one way to neutralize this." She pulled the ring off of her finger, and stuffed it in Brian's hand. "The wedding is off. And Haldir, hon, I want a divorce."  
  
"WHAT?" The two men screamed together.  
  
"You heard me." She grinned and walked out the door and into the kitchen. She stopped in the doorway and turned to face them; two males with blank, aghast faces.  
  
"First of all, I can't be engaged to two men at once-"  
  
"I'm an elf, and we already are married."  
  
Caroline ignored Haldir's rude (but true) interruption. "And, Brian, don't think I don't know about the other women you've been sleeping with. Go marry one of them. I'm sure you can find someone with more money this time."  
  
Brian (scumbag that he was) looked like he was seriously weighing the idea. Haldir saw this and his lip curled as he muttered something that sounded oddly like a swear word in Sindarin. The mortal had a pensive face on and was bouncing the diamond ring in his hand. "You know, I think Maria has the same ring size as you."  
  
"Maria Maria, my best friend, Maria? OH, you-" She rushed at him and made to slap him, but he stepped to the side and she ran past him.  
  
"It was only a one night stand.. Oh, and a few times at work."  
  
"Haldir, what is it?"  
  
The elf was staring at Caroline with blank horror on his face. "Haldir?" She waved a hand in front of his face.  
  
"You. you said 'other women'?"  
  
Caroline's eyebrow raised, "Yeah, so?"  
  
"That means you. slept with him?"  
  
"Regrettably it does, and I've slept with you too. But now I'd like to steer this conversation away from our sex lives, please.."  
  
"B- but, you b-bonded with him?"  
  
"Yes, but not in the way you think, hon. Earth is different than Middle- Earth."  
  
"Buh-but."  
  
"Don't worry about it Haldir."  
  
"Buh-but. ew."  
  
"Yeah, it was gross, I'll give ya that. I've had better than him."  
  
"Gee thanks."  
  
"Shut up Brian."  
  
Haldir's face, if possible, became more aghast, and his jaw dropped open.  
  
"Don't worry, Haldir, dear. It was you." 'Why did I just say that?' She didn't even remember him, much less their night-life. "Look, it's not like I'm going to choose between you two. What is it, Haldir?" Caroline spun around, and saw Galadriel standing behind her.  
  
"Oh, shit."  
  
Galadriel chose to disregard Caroline's explicative. "You do dear, have to choose between them, in effect."  
  
"What do you mean 'in effect'?"  
  
"Haldir? Would you explain, she will believe you."  
  
"But, I'd believe you-" Caroline stammered quickly.  
  
Galadriel raised a hand for silence, then gestured to Haldir.  
  
"You can stay here with him, or come with me." Haldir jerked his thumb towards Brian.  
  
"That was simple. But it's more complicated, I take it."  
  
Galadriel jumped in, "If you go with Haldir, you go to Middle-Earth and live the rest of your life as one of the Firstborn, or if you stay here you will live life as a mortal."  
  
"Who's a Fistborn?" Brian inquired, earning three hard stares.  
  
"What about my mother and sister?"  
  
"My daughter is returning to Middle-Earth, she missed her husband. your father, Elrond, dearly. As for Audrey, she is still a minor on both worlds, and therefore cannot chose for herself, and will accompany your parents back."  
  
"Wait, all you people are from Middle-Earth? Lord of the Rings people? Way cool! Can I come too?" Brian exclaimed with sudden enthusiasm.  
  
"NO." The three stern faced elves answered together.  
  
"Awww, Man!"  
  
"That's exactly the problem." Haldir grumbled in Sindarin, a language of which Brian had only picked up "thank you" and "hello" from Audrey's antics.  
  
"That's right, dear." Caroline comforted automatically, making Haldir look hopefully up at her. 'Did I just say that?'  
  
'Yes.' Haldir replied kindly, a grin on his face.  
  
Caroline smiled and blushed, clasping her hand self-consciously around her other wrist. For some strange reason she wished that Haldir was the one holding her hand. Her face softened to sadness as memories flooded back. She looked up at Haldir standing on the other side of the room, tears filling her eyes. Galadriel, thinking this a good time to abscond, managed to pull Brian out of the room and shove him in a broom closet before going to rejoin the other elves (and dwarf).  
  
Caroline looked at Haldir, her face blank. "Why did I leave?"  
  
Haldir, knowing what she meant, but not knowing what to do or say, looked down at his feet. "You said you wanted to be mortal, but we had already bonded." His voice was distant and mellow.  
  
Caroline rushed over to him and wrapped herself in Haldir's arms. "I'm sorry. so sorry. I did not remember."  
  
"It's all right." He kissed her hair. "I understand your decision." He unhappily peeled his arms from around her and stepped away dejectedly. "For it was made long ago."  
  
Caroline shook her head, confusion embedded in her eyes. "No, my choice in coming here was to be mortal for a time, and I could come back to you. Because. I. loved you. I still do.."  
  
Haldir looked hard at her. "You have betrayed me twice. Once, by coming here, and by bonding with him."  
  
"I did not bond with him, only you, and in your heart you should know that."  
  
"Binding does not have the same principles here."  
  
"You should be the one telling me this? I have lived here for half of my years, and you tell me details about what my life should be like? Nay, I think not, elf." Caroline retorted angrily. "If you were really such a caring and dear husband as you try to look, Haldir, then you will try to understand some of the grief that worries me now."  
  
Brian, hearing the two of them yell, was snickering in his closet.  
  
Caroline backed away and hugged herself, facing the opposite wall. 'Haldir thinks that I can live with him angry with me; I left because I wanted to get away from his anger.'  
  
"Is that true?" Haldir looked like he wanted to take a step forwards and touch her arm.  
  
Caroline whirled around. "Why do you care? I could never do anything to your standards anyway."  
  
"Because if that is true, then." he stammered, being lost for words was not a common occurrence for the Marchwarden. "I am sorry."  
  
"Not as sorry as I. Sometimes I would regret bonding with you when you seemed to hate me so much."  
  
"You would run away. I did not know how to deal with it."  
  
"I was young, I still am. You were more like a father than a husband, but I knew that I loved you deeper than I did my father."  
  
He looked at the obvious concept. "We should have waited then?"  
  
"Maybe, as that seems to be the median between 'yes' and 'no'. We were. are married, and should look on it as a blessing; not something that caused me to grow too quickly. As I remember, Father was all for our marriage, even when I was at that age; he most surprised me."  
  
"He wanted to get rid of a pesky she-elfling onto my hands. he never liked me much."  
  
"If he didn't like you, he wouldn't have let us marry. wait a sec. Did you just call me annoying?" Caroline grinned and met his gaze.  
  
"No, I said 'pesky she-elfling'."  
  
"I think you just called me annoying."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"And if I did?"  
  
"Then I might have to smack you as punishment for insulting your wife."  
  
"Oh, I'm so scared." He mocked.  
  
"You very well should be."  
  
"Running away.. The husband beaters are coming." He pretended to run to the door, displaying his unusual sense of humor.  
  
"I don't see you going very fast.."  
  
"And why should I? You couldn't catch me like that anyhow."  
  
"Like this?"  
  
He pointed to himself. "In shape elven Guardian of Lórien." he pointed to Caroline and poked her slightly flabby stomach. "Out of shape, and, for the moment, mortal. You don't have a chance of catching me."  
  
Caroline looked mildly offended. "But at least I can still do this." She grabbed a handful of hair and yanked.  
  
"OW!" He grabbed her stomach and poked her ticklish spot. "If you were one of my wardens, you wouldn't come off stable duty for a month."  
  
"I think longer. but, fortunately for me. I'm not one of your Wardens; never have been, never will be." She laughed. "Ach! Not fair!" Haldir had wrapped his arms around her waist and made it so she couldn't move with an elvish spell. "Not fair! That. Shouldn't. Work. Here!"  
  
"And do you have a particular problem with this?" His mouth curled into a small, but signature, grin. Caroline smirked, and managed to move enough to shake her head.  
  
"She might not, but I do! Get your hands off my sister! You're way too old for a twenty six year old, Craig!" Audrey shrieked as she pulled a motionless Caroline from Haldir.  
  
"There she goes calling me Craig again." Haldir replied, staring impudently at the girl. He had never really known Audrey,  
  
"Aud, va maman d'aide et fais trois lits pour nos invités. Je dois parler avec... Craig. Ahem. Maintenant." {Aud, go held Mother, and make three beds for our guests. I have to talk with. Craig. Ahem. NOW.} Caroline ordered her sister, when she could move again, she shooed her sister off by waving her hands.  
  
"Ouais, bien. Entretien juste, mon âne. Allez-vous l'embrasser, ou pas?" {Yeah, right. Just talk, my ass. Are you going to kiss him, or not?} Her sister replied tauntingly.  
  
Caroline shrugged, and took Haldir's hand. He raised an eyebrow at her. He had no idea what they were saying. "Peut-être. Il est mon mari, après tous." {Maybe. He is my husband, after all.}  
  
"QU'AVEZ-VOUS DIT?" {WHAT DID YOU SAY?}  
  
"Vous m'avez entendu." {You heard me.} Caroline smiled, and grabbed Haldir's hand in hers.  
  
"Tu n'as pas dormi avec lui, n'est-ce pas? Et tu ne m'as jamais dit?" {You have not slept with him, have you? And you haven't told me?}  
  
"Audrey, tu as douze ans. Tu n'as pas besoin de savoir cela." { Audrey, you're twelve. You don't need to know that.}  
  
"Fichu droit je. J'ai appelé Haldir, me rappelle? Tu as voulu Legolas." {Damn straight I do. I called Haldir, remember? You wanted Legolas.}  
  
"Si je me rappelle, tu n'as eu aucune préférence, et moi seulement ledit aux Leggy parce que je me suis rappelé au sujet du carton Haldir plâtré sur ta mur, que tu ornez tellement avide avec des commentaires érotiques dans Quenya. Ne pensez pas que je ne t'ai pas entendu, ou comprenez-toi. Moi diront Haldir au sujet des affiches, les appareils de bureau et les t- shirts si tu ne fais pas les lits maintenant." {If I remember, you had no preference, and I only said Leggy because I remembered about the cardboard Haldir plastered on your wall, whom you so avidly adorn with erotic comments in Quenya. Don't think I didn't hear you, or understand you. I'll tell Haldir about the posters, desktops and t-shirts if you don't make the beds now.}  
  
Audrey scowled and sulked out of the room, not believing the words that came from her sister's mouth. Especially the part where Caroline would tell him the extent of Audrey's "affliction."  
  
Caroline felt Haldir squeeze her hand and she looked up at his face. He looked stunned; he hadn't understood a word, except for the occasional "Haldir" and "Legolas." Caroline gave him a superior smile.  
  
"What did you two say?"  
  
"A lot of stuff you don't want to hear. Sister stuff."  
  
Haldir laughed. "Did you happen to call Prince Legolas 'Leggy?'"  
  
Caroline took a deep breath and put a finger on Haldir's lips. "Maybe. just don't tell him that. The Prince would have my head."  
  
"Maybe I will, maybe I won't. What would you be willing to do for me not to? What language was that?" His hands snaked around her waist.  
  
"French. We lived a while in France. it's like Rohirric. sorta."  
  
"How do you say 'I love you'?"  
  
Caroline smiled and looked thoughtful for a moment. "Je t'adore."  
  
"Ge tater."  
  
The woman laughed as she watched Haldir's face come closer to hers. "How do you say it in Sindarin?"  
  
"You know how."  
  
"But I want reminding."  
  
Haldir smiled, "Amin meleth lle, Caroline."  
  
"Amin meleth lle, Haldir o Lórien."  
  
Their lips were inches apart. an inch. getting closer. touching.  
  
"Excuse me." A gruff voice grumbled from near the door.  
  
Caroline scowled, but turned around with a smile on her face. "Yes Gimli?"  
  
"Where's the bathroom? Your mother said it was around here.."  
  
"Turn around, first door on your right.."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Not a problem." Caroline replied as he shut the door behind him. "Much. Now, where were we?"  
  
Arms around neck and waist. lips getting closer. closer.  
  
"HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Caroline jumped in surprise, and from the fact the scream hurt her ears, imagine how much it hurt Elronds' and the other elves'..  
  
"Finish this later, shall we?"  
  
"Good idea."  
  
Caroline bounded through the house to see a panting Audrey come running through the halls towards her.  
  
"Oh my GAWD, Caroline! HUGO WEAVING is in our living room with his arms around MOM!" She jumped up and down. "I can't believe it. I can't believe it." She gasped, looking behind Caroline again and seeing Haldir come up behind them. "CRAIG!!"  
  
Seeing Caroline's little sister, the blood drained from Haldir's face, and he ran the away from her. Quite forgetting about what Caroline told her, Audrey chased after him. Caroline put her face in her hands. "My poor sister. She'll never catch him."  
  
"Caroline. help!" Haldir cried as he ran by, Audrey at his heels.  
  
"You're doing fine, hon." Caroline replied as he rounded the corner. She walked into the living room, and sunk onto a couch nearby Celeborn, who was watching his grandson-in-law (and Marchwarden) with interest as his other Granddaughter chased him. There was a small, elated smirk evident on Elrond's face also, as if he liked his elder daughter's husband's punishment.  
  
"Maybe you should stop her." Legolas commented to Miriel and Caroline while he was actually feeling sorry for Haldir.  
  
"Would you rather she chase you?" Miriel replied.  
  
"Well... not really. No, of course not."  
  
"Then that would be what you'd get, Highness. Besides, I'm only getting back at him for the time before we were married that he left me in sole company of Rúmil and Orophin for two days." Caroline finished while a call for help from Haldir was reverberating through the living room.  
  
"Then by all means. let him be chased, any time with his brothers is time wasted." Galadriel replied, a faint smile on her lips.  
  
"ACH!"  
  
Audrey had caught up to Haldir, much to everyone's surprise.  
  
"CRAIG!!"  
  
Caroline's eyes widened, and she ran into the dining room, where Audrey was laying on Haldir plastering his face with kisses.  
  
"All ri-right. That's enough. Aud. GET OFF MY HUSBAND!" Caroline, with surprising strength, jumped in and lifted Audrey by her stomach before setting her on her feet. Legolas rounded the corner, seeing if he could help. "Sic 'em Aud!" Caroline pointed at him. Legolas, wide-eyed, ran, and Audrey chased him, completely forgetting about Haldir.  
  
Caroline helped Haldir onto a chair, and he pulled her onto his lap as Audrey and Legolas rushed by, narrowly avoiding missing her.  
  
"Sorry," She stroked his cheek. "I didn't mean for her to catch you.."  
  
"Hmm. I'll get back at you for that." He sounded grouchy.  
  
"I was only retaliating for you leaving me alone with your brothers for two days while you went to Mirkwood for a conference."  
  
"So you sic your sister on me as payback?" He raised an eyebrow at his wife and gave her an appraising, and yet approving look as if he would have most likely done the same thing.  
  
"Isn't she great?" Caroline grinned.  
  
"Exceptionally." He grumbled.  
  
"She didn't mean anything by it, she only has a major crush on a different Haldir."  
  
"A different Haldir? So there's two of me now?"  
  
"It's a movie. a big moving picture. You are portrayed by an actor named Craig Parker. whom she loves. He died."  
  
"EW." Haldir winced. "You said she was twelve?"  
  
"Not like that."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Exceptionally."  
  
"HELP!" Legolas called as he ran by.  
  
"NOO! Don't help!" Audrey screamed as she ran into something.  
  
"Get offa me!" A gruff, terribly unhappy sounding voice shrieked.  
  
Caroline looked at Haldir and they both burst out laughing.  
  
"Look at it this way, sis. he's more your height than an elf." Caroline called to her sister amid gales of laughter.  
  
**  
  
"Highness. this will be your accommodations for the night." Caroline paused by a doorway. Inside was a very elven looking bed, desk and connected commode.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"And Gimli will be sleeping in the next room over." Caroline walked to the next room after showing her grandparents to a second room across the hall from the Mirkwood Prince.  
  
"Thanks." Gimli the dwarf grumbled, still angry that Audrey fell on him, and he was now sporting (not very proudly) a purpled eye. Miriel had found him a steak, but he refused the comfort. Oh well, curses on the stiff necks of Dwarves, as the elves often say.  
  
"Uh. Caroline?"  
  
"Yes, Haldir?"  
  
"And where will I be sleeping?" Haldir questioned somewhat timidly. There was a slight blush on his pale face.  
  
"You really must be the stupidest man (I mean elf) I have ever met. to think: my husband wonders where he will sleep. Sheesh, I didn't move out that long ago that Mom cleared my room." Caroline shrugged and rolled her eyes in an exaggerated fashion.  
  
Haldir grinned sheepishly and followed where Caroline pulled him; a large delicate-looking room. 88  
  
PLEASE REVIEW! Did you like it? Did you hate it? Did you laugh your little behind off of your chair like I did when I was writing it? I would like to know. 


	2. Review replies!

Cookies and Gimli the Dwarf masks to all of my reviewers!  
  
AragornsFavorite:  
  
I have no clue whatsoever what he could do with a dustmop. I (briefly) considered a Swiffer Wet Jet.  
  
GitaMerah:  
  
I think that I only had Miriel as Elrond's wife just cause (using Celebrían at the beginning would have been just a little too. I dunno. I think it would have given too much away. and if you look at it from Audrey's POV, then she'd have already gotten over the fact that her Da was Elrond [( my weird logic at work, LOL.]). I (for some reason) just didn't feel like writing Celebrían in, and instead made this sorta AU. possibly I can add the twins in the next chapter. (see below) I will revise and put the translations at the ends of the texts. (  
  
Skexxie Skywalker:  
  
Thank you!  
  
Lomadia/jereriviel:  
  
I'm glad you loved it! I loved writing it! I was planning a sequel (something about "The Fellowship* Makes Waffles"). but do not know if I will be able to take the time for it anytime soon. sorry! Audrey is awesome! Do you think that (in the distant FUTURE, mind you) she and Legolas could "get along"? (not a rhetorical question!!)  
  
* Minus Hobbits - the author cannot get in a hobbit-like nutrients-geared mentality  
  
Priestess of Anubis:  
  
I think I wrote this back in May or so, and just came back to it, like, last week. I had forgotten that I had written most of the stuff, and was also laughing my ass off. 


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